In memory

Pat's friends and fans share their memories of her.

Pat was a voice of reason on the B7 lists when I was on them. At first, she wasn't a slash fan (she later discovered the joy of Avon/Tarrant), but she always had something interesting to say on any subject. We shared a room at my first MediaWest, and she was a lovely roommate who only boggled mildly about the several feet of zines that I acquired that weekend.

The last time I saw her was at Escapade the year before last. Her health was clearly not good, but she and Dawn were going around together lit up like a couple of light bulbs.

I'll miss her.

- Beth Friedman

I've known Pat for several years and we met in the flesh at cons and so on, but most of our communication was by e-mail. An odd consequence of this is that even after I heard of her death, I couldn't shake a sense that since her e-address still existed, she should surely be able to send and receive mail for at least a little while. After all, the whole point of e-mail is staying in touch with people who are not physically present . . . Well, file that under Myths for the Electronic Age.

Pat had planned all spring to be at MediaWest, and when her doctors told her that the cancer had spread to her liver and her time was now very short, that only intensified her desire to attend one last time. Although she was in bad shape - she needed a wheelchair to get around, couldn't eat much, and was mentally foggy some of the time - she was there to enjoy the con. She bought zines, bid on art, worked on "Survival," and talked to her friends about fannish things.

The weather was this year was generally rainy and dreary, which was a blessing in that it pretty much eliminated any sense that she was missing anything by being unable to go for a walk outside. (Not that springtime in Michigan was Pat's idea of a good time for outdoor activity in the best of times. Too much pollen in the air.)

As I wheeled her around the hotel, she was always being greeted by friends, some dating back to her Star Wars days, and some she'd only become acquainted with recently. And when she wasn't with me, people who'd seen us toegther would stop me and ask how she was doing.

The comparison of fandom with family usually sets my teeth on edge, (as does the phrase "family values," for that matter) but it's actually not a bad comparison if one thinks of families realistically: bickering and feuding as well as affection and support, and all the mixed results that come from human beings knowing each other well for years. Pat was a veteran of the B7 Controversy and other fannish wars, and her love for fandom was clearsighted and unillusioned.

There's a passage in Thornton Wilder's novel The Ides of March which surprised me when I first read it, but the older I get the more I think he was on to something. A character who has been at many deathbeds says "to those in pain one talks about themselves; to those of clear mind one praises the world they are quitting. There is no dignity in leaving a despicable world and the dying are often fearful lest life was not worth the efforts it had cost them."

I'd like to think Pat's attendance at her last MediaWest reassured her not only that she was valued, but that she'd been right in giving as much to fandom as she did. There's no such thing as the typical fan, whether one's generalizing in order to praise or to denigrate, but I think Pat was someone to point to and say "that's what fans are like at their best." She was passionate (when she was arguing about Tarrant with a friend at one con, words failed her and she resorted to whapping the other party over the head with a program book amid hysterical laughter, which is how she got the title of Enforcer for the Tarrant Nostra) but always polite. She only used program books on her friends.

That's not to say she never got exasperated or annoyed. In private she could rant as well as anyone about the irritating behavior or preposterous utterances of Fan X. But she'd accept Fan X as someone with talent, or good intentions, or simply as a person who cared about fandom enough to be part of it, and try to figure out how to get along. In fact, sometimes she'd do both in the same sentence: I recall hearing her say "She's really a wonderful person, except when she's driving me bugfuck nuts." Her private fuming was what one does about difficult relatives with whom one nevertheless expects to spend holidays.

I said that Pat was passionate, and she was also brave. I don't just mean the courage with which she dealt with her illness, great though that was. Long before that she was joyfully willing to take risks, have adventures, and pursue happiness instead of security. There's a Mary-Chapin Carpenter song she thought was a good fit for her Fargonean alter ego Kaeta, and I think it's a good one for Pat herself:

I Take My Chances

I took a walk in the rain one day on the wrong side of the tracks
I stood on the rail 'til I saw that train
Just to see how my heart would react
Now some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate
And for them I would not disagree
But I never learned nothing from playing it safe
I say fate should not tempt me

I take my chances
I don't mind working without a net
I take my chances
I take my chances every chance I get

I sat alone in the dark one night
tuning in by remote
I found a preacher who spoke of the light
but there was brimstone in his throat
He'd show me the way according to him
In return for my personal check
I flipped my channel back to CNN
And I lit another cigarette

I take my chances
Forgiveness don't come with a debt
I take my chances
I take my chances every chance I get

I've crossed lines of words and wire
And both have cut me deep
I've been frozen out and I've been on fire
and the tears are all mine to weep
Now I can cry until I laugh
and laugh until I cry
So cut the right deck in half
I'll play from either side

I take my chances
I pay my dollar and I place my bet
I take my chances
I take my chances every chance I get
I take my chances
I can't cling to remorse or regret
I take my chances
I take my chances every chace I get
I take my chances

I have no religious convictions, and am not comfortable speaking with any kind of certainty about the afterlife. I'm hoping Terry Pratchett was right in Johnny and the Dead, when the ghosts decide that there's something more interesting than judgment day in store for them, and leave the cemetery behind to explore all sorts of possibilities of wonder.

If so, Pat will take to it better than most.

- Brooke Barker

I first swam into Pat's shipping lanes in the late 80s, when I attended a one-day Blake's 7 con in north Jersey where Chris Boucher was the guest. While there I came across some leaflets announcing an APA for something called "The Sandbaggers." My only questions were, "What's an APA? And what's 'The Sandbaggers'?" Passionate and fascinated with so many things in life, Pat could ignite the enthusiasm of others; Sandbaggers is now one of my all-time favorite series, and I have Pat to thank for introducing me to its heady mixture of politics, obsession, and betrayal (themes which have followed me wherever I wrote).

Time passed and I joined GEnie, in the halcyon days of its fannish message boards, and there I stumbled across Pat once again, in the XF topics. I sent her an email - "Are you the same Pat who..." And before long, we were meeting all over the boards - in my author's topic, in the character torture discussions, everywhere there were obsessively fine analyses of heroes and their neuroses.

How often in life do you find someone who's a good audience, a good writer, and a good friend? Pat read my space opera, and commented online chapters at a time; it was like being in a darkened theater with an incredibly brilliant twelve-year-old, before the jadedness of adulthood robbed them of wonder: "Yes! Go, Tal!" (Just before a kiss.) She was a catalyst on so many levels - she could rekindle your enthusiasm for your own work, draw you into discussion groups, bring people together and get them interested and chatty and alive.

She never had enough confidence in her own work, I thought. She could have gone pro (if she'd really wanted to), but on the other hand, she had an endless bag of gifts, freely given - like the very first Pat story I read, a bonbon of charming dialogue and erotic adventuring with Avon and Soonlin.

A middle-aged friend of mine said recently, "Do you know how little passion there is in the world, in people our age?" I can't imagine the passion ever running out for Pat, no matter how long she lived. We used to kid about one day leaving our rockers at the Old Fans' Home and motorcycling down to the all-night Star Wars marathon. Whenever I learned that Pat had gotten interested in a fandom I liked, I'd feel a sweep of delight: Now there'll be some great discussion!

We celebrated the same birthday. This last November 19 was the first since she left us, and I drank to her that day, thinking of all the birthdays yet to come in which I wouldn't get to hear her adventures. I have things, mind you. I have a postcard from the Bath Assembly Rooms; a broken cassette tape with Chris De Burgh's song titles written out in careful, clean lines. I have files of conversation from my old GEnie topic, in which Pat took such vigorous part. And I think of Millay: "A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew / A formula, a phrase remains, - but the rest is lost."

- Jane Emerson

I think it is appropriate, in this of all venues, to celebrate Pat and what she's meant to all of us. I first met her through her fanwriting, which completely blew me away - so dark, so rich, so perverse! It was an inspiration to me in my own work, and, yes, a major influence. I think the first time I met her was December 1981, at a friend's house in Brooklyn. Lordy, that's 20+ years ago now! She seemed so...normal<g>, and totally without ego, despite the fact that she was a BNF and I'd barely been published. I still treasure her comment about a story of mine: "eluki, I may write purple prose, but yours is ultraviolet!" Yo, Pat!

And then, of course, there's her fan publishing, both zine and letterzine. (Without the rats that night we put together - what was it, ALDERAANI IMPERATIVE, I think it was - would there have been a Bast? Maybe not.) I believe it was in Jundland Waste where I first tried my hand at reviewing, learning many valuable lessons that stood me in good stead in later life, especially now that I'm doing it under my own name....

And of course, without Pat, there never would have been a JEDISTARDARKFALCONKNIGHT parody flyer of blessed memory, which same amused fandom for an entire year, and even generated a zine of its own.

We love you, Pat.

- eluki bes shahar

I was never lucky enough to meet Pat in person, but she was still a wonderful friend to have. She always had interesting things to say in the e-mail lists we were on together, and was extremely fair-minded and even-handed as a listmom.

During her own illness, she was concerned about all of her friends and very supportive, as I had cause to know when my mother became terminally ill.

She will be missed.

- Jiltanith

My first encounter with Pat was when I was invited to join the JP list. (I had never bumped into her on Genie.) I asked her if the Jacquarie in the list name was a reference to the French peasants' revolt, and she responded with delight, since I was the first to spot (or at least the first to ask) about the name's origin.

At that time, I was still quite new to fanfic and the B7 universe. She sent me a couple of her stories and I read them with delight. It was only later that I realized that not all fanfic was as well-written as hers, or the others who introduced me to the sub-sub-genre.

As I said, I never knew her well, never met her offline, never even spoke with her on the phone. But she always struck me as a woman of rare sense and feeling. And when her long battle began, her courage was an inspiration. I cried when she died.

From one who wishes she had known Pat better.

- Katie

When I first became active in B7 fandom, Pat was a BNF (Big-Name Fan). She ran the terrific Neutral Arbiter letterzine, she attended cons and moderated panels at them, her intelligent, articulate, and unfailingly polite letters filled zine lettercols, she wrote wonderfully polished and much-acclaimed fanfic. She was a star of the fandom, at least as far as I was concerned, and I was a bit intimidated by her. I remember seeing her at the first B7 con I ever attended. I think it was Scorpio-6. She didn't know me, but I recognized her name immediately. She was moderating a panel, and the subject of Tarrant and slash came up. She said she loved the Avon-Tarrant relationship, but she'd kill anyone who slashed them. My alarm must have shown on my face, because she stopped to reassure me: "I'm only kidding." She was ever this case, passionate in her feeling that Avon and Tarrant had an interesting but strictly non-sexual relationship.

Imagine my surprise when, a few years later, Pat was not only no longer threatening murder to A/T slashers...she had become one of them! And that, to me, was the essence of Pat. She always kept an open mind. Not many people ever change their minds about something as fundamental as whether or not they like slash, but Pat did, at an age when most people are becoming as set in their ways as 30-day concrete.

I remember I use to annoy the heck out of her when I said I thought she and Blake had the same Myers-Briggs personality type. She hated the very idea, because she thought Blake was a fanatic. She even sent me stacks of photocopied material on personality typing, hoping to convince me that she and Blake were nothing alike.

Well, perhaps she was right. Pat may have been passionate, but she was certainly never a fanatic. She had a flexibility I never saw in Blake...and that I much admired.

I miss you, Pat.

- Leigh

Though I knew it was coming for a long time, it was still hard to lose Pat this spring. It seemed as though she could keep beating the odds, as she had for so long. But then Pat had a lot of will and more bravery than I could ever muster in her place, so it only made sense that she kept living and doing for as long as she did with such a serious illness.

I didn't know Pat really well, but she was a fixture of B7 fandom very early on for me. Her contributions were many-her wonderful stories and poems; the zines she edited; her letters to On the Wing; and the Neutral Arbiter, the fine letterzine she co-ran. Pat's most valuable contribution, though, was herself, both in person at cons and on the B7 mailing lists. She could always be counted on for thoughtful, well-reasoned, and sometimes humorous commentary and discussion. I fondly recall a dry comment she made in an online zine review that, in one slash story, she had "particularly liked the scene with the shaving cream." LOL!

Pat was also a lovely editor to work with. I greatly appreciated her putting together the Straight Blake's zines, which were havens for a het fan in a slashy world. I contributed stories to two of these zines, and her comments and encouragement were sincere and heartfelt. She made me feel as though I had honored her zines by contributing to them, rather than the other way around. Pat was certain one of my stories would win a Fan-Q, and when it didn't, I think she was far more disappointed for me than I was. She caught me in the MediaWest dealers' room afterwards and was so apologetic (like this was her fault?) that I couldn't help but love her for her empathy.

Though definitely not feeling well this last MediaWest, Pat was obviously determined to enjoy herself the best she could. She attended panels and parties, and brainstormed many times with Carol and Brooke on a story collaboration. At one point, I showed some tapes of Peter Wingfield (an actor whom both Pat and I found attractive), one of which featured a very nice bathtub scene. When asked if she'd like a copy of that episode, Pat emphatically declared, "Oh, yeah!" She definitely had the heart of a fan, with fannish priorities!

I'll miss Pat. I miss her already, actually. Her place as a fan and a friend can never be filled. I'll close with a Pat con incident that is indelibly engraved in my memory, even though I'm not sure whether I actually witnessed it, or if it was just related to me later. Perhaps Carol could help me here with specifics or errors. Anyway, the gist of it was that Pat was discussing Tarrant with another fan, when the other fan made a comment about said handsome pilot that Pat, uh, rather disagreed with. "Wrong!" she admonished, "Wrong, wrong, wrong!" Emphasizing every "wrong" with a light whap over the transgressor's head with her program book. ROFL!

Wherever you are, Pat, keep that program book with you and administer justice whenever you see fit.

- LB

Pat was a brilliant writer and a great editor - I was thrilled when she wanted my first story for Straight Blake's, and it was always a special thrill for me when she complimented something in my writing. But that wasn't just because she was such a good writer and editor - she also had two great traits which one seldom finds. On the one hand, she was an incredibly kind, warm, friendly person - people who couldn't get along with each other loved her and would do anything for her. At the same time, she had iron-hard principles and could not stay silent in the face of something she felt was wrong. I felt privileged to be able to have her as part of my family, and to be there when she needed help, but she was strong to the very end. She wanted to go to one final MediaWest, and she got there on pure force of will.

- Misha

I'm still feeling the loss of Pat and thinking about her a lot. She was a big part of B7 fandom for me. I knew her for exactly seven years, which I guess is kind of appropriate. And an eventful seven years it was, for both of us.

Meeting Pat was one of the big thrills of my very first MediaWest, back in 1994. I'd been a B7 fan for about two years already at that point, but I missed the 1992 con because I was in bed with a back injury (though a friend kindly shopped for me and brought back, among other things, an 8 X 10 of Mr. D. shirtless, which made me feel loads better) and the 1993 one because I was in China.

Anyway, on the airport shuttle on the way to the hotel I overheard her talking to someone else and realized, all starry-eyed, it must be that legendary Big Name Fan, Pat Jacquerie. What a thrill! And she was so friendly and nice. We began to correspond, and shortly after that (as I recall) she started a topic on the old GEnie SFRT bulletin board that became a legendary fannish hangout.

In 1994 Pat was just getting back into B7 again after wandering off into things like Sandbaggers for a few years. She was, in those days, a fan who preferred het to slash, although she didn't actually object to the latter. We had some very interesting conversations, at the con and later by e-mail, about fannish erotica, and I loaned her a bunch of assorted stories that I liked. I like to think I had a little something to do with Pat's slash epiphany; I remember with great fondness and pride seeing her at some conventions with a button that said "It's All Sarah's Fault" (a gift from her S.O., I believe).

Pat Got It about slash on August 9, 1995, at about 2:00 PM on a Wednesday afternoon - very inconvenient timing, since she was at work at the time! She had already been working on "Duty," just to see if she could write a slash story without actually being a slash fan; but it was slow going, because Avon and Tarrant are such stubborn types. For quite some time they both told their Writer, "I won't do it, and you can't make me!" Then, all of a sudden, they changed their minds in a big way, and the rest is history. The story that resulted has become one of the classics of B7 fandom.

- Sarah T

Pat and I met on Lysator As fellow 'character junkies,' more specifically Avon-centric ones, we quickly became off-list friends. Our correspondence eventually led to the formation of the "Avon Without Guilt" fellowship, and inspired me to create the slash-friendly mail list "Space City." Without Pat's encouragement I probably would never have gone to my first MediaWest where I finally had the pleasure of spending time with her F2F, and through her met a whole slew of other people who have greatly enriched my life. She was endlessly supportive of my early struggles with writing, always ready to supply sympathy, encouragement, and valuable guidance.

So it was pretty much due to Pat that I became an active fan, a published fanfic writer, and even touched on the fringes of Blake's 7 BNFishness for hosting Space City.

And you thought she had no crimes to answer for.

- Susan Cutter

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